7 ways to deal with rejection

“By the time I was fourteen the nail in my wall would no longer support the weight of the rejection slips impaled upon it. I replaced the nail with a spike and went on writing.”

― Stephen King

Getting rejected can be one of the most painful things we deal with.

Sure, we all know the stories of Abraham Lincoln, Steve Jobs, J.K. Rowling – how those mythical-level geniuses endured rejection after rejection before they reached their mythical-level success. But even knowing that, it can feel like a huge blow. Rejection can be devastating: the disappointment, the shattered hopes, the feelings of powerlessness and “not good enough.”

Yet those feelings don’t have to keep us down. When we handle rejection from a place of empowerment, positivity, and hope, we can turn it around.

We can not only survive it; we can grow from it. We can get out from under its crushing weight, and start to see it in the rearview mirror as that mountain we overcame on the way to our beautiful, sparkling success.

Trust me when I say I know this stuff backwards and forward. I’ve spent years in professions with a lot of rejection – first acting, then speaking. So I get to keep practicing these tools….and I can tell you, they really do work!

Let’s look at seven surefire ways to handle rejection. (These are in no particular order. Use any which one that appeals to you in the moment. And, like any mindset tool, you can’t use them up – so use ‘em as much as you want!)

1. Reframe. Rejections are an inevitable part of any success story. The more successful someone is, the more epically and frequently they’ve been rejected. So instead of seeing rejection as a wall, see it as a stepping stone – or even a point system!

“You need at least 50 no’s before you get a yes,” an acting coach told me once, “so start racking up those no’s.” Now, that doesn’t mean that after 50 no’s you’ll automatically get a yes. Sometimes you get 150 no’s, then 3 yeses in a row. Think of your rejections as “rewards points” that you’ll cash in later! 

2. Decide. Rejection can be an opportunity to make an important choice: do I want to recommit? 

If so, do you need to make a change, or keep going as is? What’s another way you can get what you want? Here’s a trick: Come up with 5 different ways to achieve your goal, not just one. That opens up the channels of creativity in your brain (and in life), so you won’t get stuck in a rut – which means rejections, if and when they happen, may block one path. But you’ll have four more paths to try.

3. Let it hurt…then let it go. Don’t try to convince yourself it doesn’t sting. Feel your feelings. Don’t ignore, deny, or bury them. Let them flow through you. Give yourself time to mourn – then let them go.

When I was acting, I made this mistake in a big way. After a rejection, I would immediately try to push through it by going to another auditions, forcing myself to keep going, rehearsing until all hours of the morning. The problem was, I hadn’t fully processed my feelings of disappointment and self-beating. Instead, I clung to them. I carried them into my auditions and rehearsals like a big, heavy backpack – which made it super hard to give it my best.

We want to feel the feelings, then move past them. This requires finding a balance – i.e., feeling them but not dwelling on them; moving on, but not too quickly. 

Why? Because taking action from a place of negativity really taints that action. You’ve got to move through the pain, clear out that negative energy, and then take action from a place of positive expectancy. 

4. Ask: What did I learn? By seeing rejection as a learning experience, not a certificate of doom, we can turn it into something useful and positive. In fact, it might even become the doorway to success. 

This tool is best used when you’re not within that cloud of disappointment. After you’ve gotten some distance from it, look back and ask yourself, What can I take from this? Then take those lessons and apply them to your next steps.

5. Remember what good has come from past rejections. Call to mind times in the past you were rejected. They sure hurt at the time – but how do they feel now? What good has come to you because of them? I know a writer who was devastated when her first book didn’t get picked up by a publisher, until one day, years later, the thought came to her out of the blue: Thank goodness that book didn’t get published. It still needs so much work! If that HAD been published when I wanted it to be, it could’ve ruined my career. Notice how time can not only heal, but also show you truths you didn’t realize at the time.
6. Trust in a higher power or path. As many a wise person has said, “Rejection is redirection.” From this standpoint, consider the possibility that that person or job or challenge wasn’t right for you. Choose to trust that you’re being saved for something better. If it helps, imagine looking down at yourself from God’s perspective. Imagine him/her/it saying I have something better in store for you.

As Steve Maraboli said, “Every time I thought I was being rejected from something good, I was actually being re-directed to something better.” 

7. Focus on what you do have control over. One reason rejection stings so bad is that it makes us feel powerless. But the truth is, we always have power, often over lots of things – so focus on those. Maybe that means growing your skills and continuing to build to be the best that you can possibly be. Maybe that means taking pleasure in the craft of what you’re doing, and shifting your focus away from the external validation you were hoping for.

This reminds me of another important topic: obsessive versus harmonious passion. When you go after your goal obsessively, relying on other people for approval, rejections hurt a whole lot worse. So take steps to keep yourself in the “harmonious” category, where you take intrinsic pleasure in the work you do, regardless of what people think. (If you’re thinking What the heck is she talking about?, or if you just want to know more on this topic, check out this blog.) 

Overall, remember that rejection does not mean “You suck.” It does not mean “You’re not good enough.” Very often, it’s not personal. What it means is, “This isn’t right for you right now.” In fact, getting rejected can often trigger people to improve their skills or their product, which can lead directly to success. 

The biggest takeaway I have for you is to take care of yourself. Treat yourself as you would treat a child you adore. We’re all children on the inside, after all – we need lots of encouragement, hugs, early bedtimes, and people who will remind us of our many strengths and talents. So be that person for yourself.

How do you deal with rejection? What are some things you’ve done to overcome a real zinger in the past?

If you’re looking for some one-on-one coaching on how to move toward your goals in a healthy, harmonious way that honors your core beliefs and will get you real results, contact me. I’d love to work with you! Reply to this email today to set up your first appointment.

Go out, rack up those rejection points, and shine.