How to use obstacles your advantage

When I first met my client Michele, she was teaching poetry at a small college in New England. Like a lot of people who come to me, she'd been feeling lost. She felt too busy to write her own poetry, and even if she had time, she couldn't seem to rekindle that spark she'd once had.

It was obvious that Michele didn't love her job, so I wasn't surprised when during our second session, she decided to brush up her resume. She had a passion for animals, and she'd always wanted to work animal rights. So, shyly, she applied to a few positions. A few weeks later, when we met for our weekly phone session, she had some news.

"An animal rights center offered me a job," she said. "You're talking to the new Policy Associate…if I accept, that is."

"Congratulations!" I said. This seemed like a huge step toward a more fulfilling career for her. "That's fantastic. Are you going to accept?"

"I don't know," she said. "It does sound really cool…"

As we talked through what it would mean to make this change, it was clear that something was holding her back – even though she wanted the job.

I see this with clients (and friends, and family, and myself) all the time. Something seemingly great comes our way– and yet we don't reach out and grab it. We hem and haw and make excuses. We cling to what we know, even if we don't really want it.

In some cases, that resistance comes down to fear of the unknown (what will this new job be like? What if I don't like it?). Sometimes, we're afraid of change, especially one that feels risky (what if this doesn't work? What if I regret it?). And often, it comes down to what that change means to us.

This was the case for Michele. After some reflection, powerful questions, and yes, some Moticise, she discovered what was holding her back from accepting the job. She felt that if she stopped teaching poetry, she would no longer be a poet – and that was an important part of her identity.

"I haven't written a poem in ages," she told me. "And so I've clung to my job to, you know, validate me – to keep me feeling like I'm still a real poet. If I don't have that, then I feel like I'll lose the 'poet' part of myself. And I don't want to lose that."

It was a big breakthrough. She hadn't realized how much she'd used her job to bolster her identity as a poet, especially as she wrote less and less. At this point, her job was the only thing that made her feel like a "real" poet.

We kept digging, and soon Michele realized that writing poetry was what made her a poet – and she could do that with any job. So she accepted, and the next month, she became a full-time Animal Rights Policy Associate.

When I saw her next, a year or so later, she greeted me with a huge smile.

"Sonia!" she said. "Wow, it's been awhile. Things are so different than when we last talked."

"How so?" I said.

"Well, I got promoted to manager, and I'm starting to work with major donors. It turns out I have a flair for fundraising." She smiled. "And I've been writing a lot more poetry lately. I'm thinking about putting together a chapbook with all my latest poems. Maybe even donate some of the proceeds back to the center."

How cool is that?

Michele's story happens time and time again. We cling to something familiar – a job, a house or apartment, a possession, or even a relationship – because of some meaning we give it. But often, that meaning is what keeps us stuck. Maybe it's an apartment full of memories we don't want to let go of, or a person who gives us a sense of security. Or, like in Michele's case, it might be a job that helps us see ourselves the way we want to be seen.

The tricky thing is, that meaning isn't always obvious. In fact, it's usually buried beneath a few layers, and it can take some careful digging to get it out. Fortunately, by asking powerful questions, we can do just that. (And remember, you can always reach out to me for one-on-one coaching if you want to go even deeper.)

What's something that you're clinging to? What's an area of life where you feel stuck or resistant to change?

Where do you feel that in your body?

What need is being met by clinging to this thing? (For example, Michele needed to feel like a poet.)

What can you do differently that might get that need met? (Example: Michele realized she could dedicate more time to writing.)

Tell me how this lands for you – I love to hear your stories of breakthrough and discovery!

Go out, find the meaning behind what's stopping you, and shine.